The Final Fantasy Essay

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Square’s Final Fantasy series has been an integral part of my life for the last 20 years. In some shape or form, it was there- be it a game, a film, a soundtrack, or a cool sword. Today I present to you 5 short stories and an epilogue. Without any further ado, please enjoy my life in the reflection of the crystal.

X

I didn’t play a Final Fantasy game until 2003. I would see ads for the games, news articles about the film, and of course the infamous tie in promotion for FFX2 during WWE Smackdown.

One day while at our local rental store I came across Final Fantasy X. I didn’t know roman numerals so I read the box as “Final Fantasy Ex”. Maybe it meant extreme like Grandia Extreme? Maybe it meant X as in….XXX? I mean it was only rated T for Teen so my chances of seeing Lulu with her breasts out were slim. I asked my parents if I could rent the game, and they obliged. Once we made it home I popped the disc into the PS2, cranked the volume up and let the game’s intro set the mood. This game was going to be something I had never experienced in my life. I got to the second summoner puzzle before we had to take it back. I would continue to rent that game for months until I was finally able to save up enough money to buy the game used, but by the time I had finished the game I already had a few more entries under my belt.

Fun Fact: I finished FFX in the middle of a Mexican restaurant at 3 in the morning.

A nasty hurricane was coming our way so my family and I vacated to my mom’s boss’s restaurant where we and other families sheltered in place. To keep busy I took my PS2, my dad’s portable TV, and my headphones. In my little corner of the dining area next to the gumball machines I told myself:

“You’re gonna finish FFX tonight. I know you don’t have much left. It’s time.”

I smelled like grease and taco meat but I fell the beast. The deed was done.

That morning we emerged from the taqueria unscathed, the rain-soaked grass proving to be our only obstacle.

VII

FFVII began for me in April 2007, a full decade after the game launched. Do not blame me for not being a day one FFVII fan. I was 4.

Two years prior I heard about Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children but I didn’t know exactly what it was. A film? A game? I mean it’s on the film side of the rental store, but I wasn’t used to movies based on games actually looking like the game. I put it away in my brain. When Dirge of Cerberus came out my big reason for not engaging was that there was never a copy available to rent. To this day I have still not played Dirge of Cerberus. I’m waiting for the inevitable remaster.

I’m sitting at my designated computer for tech class. Instead of having multiple users on the system the school opted to have just multiple folders at the desktop with each one representing a person using that PC during the day. One day i’m feeling especially devious and decide to peak into someone’s folder to see what they were up to. Here I find several images of….him.

After some sleuthing I learned that a girl, we’ll call her K, was the owner of the folder. We didn’t have any classes together but I did learn that she was a member of an after school program. I asked my parents to enroll me in that program. They said yes, and within a week I was in the same room as her….but I was too terrified to talk to her. It wasn’t a fear rooted in affection but a fear of the unknown. It’s worth noting that I was only 13 at the time. I was 13 in the year 2007. I was a child.

A child..

What i’m about to say is wildly hilarious if not immediately sad.

I didn’t know that girls…..enjoyed videogames.

Hands visibly shaking I walked up to her and stammered

“We share the same computer in tech class…..who’s that videogame character that you have pictures of?”

She would then tell me that those pictures were of Chaos from Xenosaga. We talked about RPGs the whole time we were in that program. One day while we were studying she asked me if I liked Final Fantasy and I told her that I had only played X and XII.

“You’ve never played VII? That’s the best one!”

PS1 games were already phased out of the rental shop at this point, and they were even being removed from gamestop, to my dismay.

I had no options.

She explained that she had a copy but I didn’t want to ask to borrow it, especially since school was letting out for summer vacation in just a little over a month. Instead of playing FFVII I opted to rent Advent Children. I was completely confused throughout the film’s runtime but at least a recap of the game’s events lay within the DVD’s special feature menu. I got about as much knowledge as I needed to stay afloat.

Those weeks went by pretty fast, but with a friend to talk shop with it made that time all the more special. Truth be told I didn’t have any friends until then. I had people that put up with me but no true friends at the time. That quickly changed going into highschool however, but that might be for another time. Just a few days before 8th grade ended she and I shared an earbud and listened to Utada Hikaru’s song “Sanctuary”. At this moment I felt something a bit…more. We exchanged yahoo IM usernames and spent that summer messaging back and forth. We decided right before freshman orientation that friendship was the best course of action moving forward, and stayed in touch….even now 15 years later. There’s actually a good chance that you’re reading this so let me go ahead and say it now: You changed my life in ways I never could have done myself. Thank you for your friendship.

…and thank you for lending me your copy of FFVII on the first week of freshman year. It’s a shame I had to return it a weekend later because my PS2 decided to stop reading black discs.

XII

Just a few months before meeting K I would find myself outside of a department store, sitting in a folding chair outside on a cold winter night.

November 18th, 2006.

The midnight release of the Nintendo Wii.

Now an event of the past the glorious midnight release saw gamers a plenty frothing at their respective orifices waiting in line for the latest and greatest products. Some people would even camp out in tents outside stores to keep their place in line. In my dinky old town the midnight release consisted of me, an older teenager I met in summer school, a friend that didn’t like me at all, and a woman who was absolutely going to try to buy at least ten of these fuckers to sell online. Why was I here? I didn’t even have the money to buy a Wii, but my friend did. We’ll call him B. I was staying the night at his place, and I wanted to play Twilight Princess. Little did I know that after purchasing the console he would in fact not let me watch the game, let alone play it. I honestly didn’t even care at this point. He and I had this sort of unspoken agreement. B’s parents fought a lot. When I was at his place they would pretend to be happy. B also didn’t have really any other friends, so I was essentially stuck at his place every other weekend for a good portion of 8th grade. My end of the deal? Internet access. I had a 256mb flash drive that I would load up with manga to put on my PC at home. He got to enjoy a day without domestic disturbances, I got to read Chobits.

With B locked up in his room playing the new hotness I sat down in their den and perused their game collection. Both B and his mom were into RPGs so there was always a good selection. This particular night I found a new addition.

Final Fantasy XII.

I popped the game in, swapped his memory card out for mine, and started the game up. Not unlike FFX I found myself in a state of awe at the game’s presentation. I didn’t get very far into the game but I would then find myself renting the game for the next few months- whittling away at the story while I desperately struggled with the systems that the game presented to me. Gambits? Licenses? It was alien to me. I wouldn’t actually finish FFXII. I played through the game well into my freshman year when I managed to procure my own copy of the standard edition, and I would find the steelbook edition at a Gamestop for ten dollars in 2009. I would then lend that copy to a friend’s brother in 2011 only for him to move to Mexico a week later. I would purchase FFXII the Zodiac Age for the PS4, Nintendo Switch, and Steam- with each new purchase being the “this is it” moment for me. The only caveat is that now with the bevy of speed options I find myself getting nauseous at the game. I know you can turn them off, but I need to catch up with my save from 15 years ago. I just have to.

XIII

Summer, 2006

Just a month before my 13th birthday and I’m sitting in my bedroom listening to the cicadas die as I thumb through the latest “Tips and Tricks” I begged my mom to buy me. I look at the back of the magazine and see the latest japanese game news in their Japan Report section. Among the articles I see a blurb on Final Fantasy XIII.

I thought to myself:

“Final Fantasy XII wasn’t even out in America yet, and they’re already moving on in Japan…”

I would later find footage of the game’s trailer on youtube at my local library, and I would tuck the game into my brain for safe keeping.

Summer, 2008

“FINAL FANTASY XIII LAUNCHES IN THE US ON PS3….AND XBOX 360”

The big bold headline beams into my retinas while I hunch over the library’s PC’s cheap keyboard.

I was never a keyboard warrior. I didn’t even have internet at my house, and I was always afraid to reply to neogaf posts in fear of being yelled at- a fear that sticks with me to this day. I try my absolute best not to engage but I’ll let it out now a solid 15 years later. The people that complained about FFXIII launching on Xbox were weird. How dare their beloved franchise become more accessible?

Seeing that the game’s Japanese release was still a way’s away I once again let the dream of Final Fantasy XIII sink deep into my subconscious, only flickering when I thought about cool girls with pretty hair.

Winter, 2009

“The nurse at school told me I had to shave my mustache’

“What mustache?”, my dad quipped.

We had a relatively sensible laugh-something I wasn’t able to have often with really anyone.

“I’ll pick you up at 5, ok?”

I thought about it for a moment.

“Alright. I’ll see you at 5.”

“I love you son.”

“I love you too dad.”

As I walked down the sidewalk towards the library I could almost feel the heat radiating off the building’s walls. It had to be at least 90 degrees in there during the winter, and 50 during the summer. Comfortable enough, but never too comfortable. My hands nearly burned when I would scooch the metal seat across the carpet to sit at the computer. The librarian trusted me enough to disable the flash blocker, because to quote her,

“I only looked at videogame stuff and not porn”

Well she was right, I would come here nearly every week to read Kotaku, Gamespot, and old videogame stuff on wikipedia. In between looking at pictures of the Satellaview and the latest game news I would try to find as much information on Final Fantasy XIII as I could get my grubby little hands on. I was in full special interest mode, and today in particular was a day for celebration.

Final Fantasy XIII was finally out in Japan.

Now I still didn’t want to be out right spoiled, but I did wanna see how Japanese players reacted to the big release.

What did I get? A young tim rogers standing outside a 7–11, waiting to buy FFXIII.

I took what I could get.

February, 2010

Final Fantasy XIII is only a month away in the west. I saved up some money to preorder the game at the rental shop. They were doing this new thing where they put a glass case in the middle of the store and filled it with games, accessories, and other assorted paraphernalia to purchase outright.

This was their way of trying to compete with the likes of Game Crazy and Gamestop. They actually had a great selection that wasn’t found at our local big box department store. I ended up getting Chrono Trigger for the DS there, as well as Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey, Dragon Quest IV, and a few others. You could really see that place thriving.

As the weeks turned to days my fingernails could only take so many more bites. My excitement was at an all time high. I truly don’t feel like i’ve ever been able to replicate that feeling as an adult. February did it’s thing and turned to March, and before you knew it, it was time.

March 9th, 2010

6PM

Finally finished with Driver’s Ed for the day, I quickly made my way out of the highschool campus, only to stand outside the side entrance flapping my arms in excitement.

Today was the day.

Final Fantasy XIII…

…was here.

My walk off of campus turned into a full on jog as I tread half a mile down hill to the rental shop, except instead of walking out with a fresh copy for Xbox 360 I walked out with a refund for my preorder.

You see, these monolithic red DVD vending machines started popping up all over town, and with streaming on the rise my local store’s corporate offices decided to fold and liquidate their assets, meaning that no new stock was coming. No horror movies for my sister, no action movies for my dad, no romance flicks for my mom, and no Final Fantasy XIII for me.

I was distraught, but at least that meant that I would go absolutely bat shit on their game selection in the coming months. Digital Devil Saga for $5, Dragon Quest VIII for $10, Resident Evil Dead Aim for $12.

When I finally made it home a mile later I lamented my struggles to my mother, and she and I brainstormed on how to get the game that day. She knew I was excited. Final Fantasy XIII was literally all I would talk about for several months. When my father got home from work I asked if I could get a ride to the department store, and seeing that he was going to head that way anyway he agreed to take me. It was going on 8PM when we made it to the store. I had no real reason to worry about it but in my mind FF was still relatively niche- too niche for a city with a population of 6000 people.

I was hilariously wrong when I walked up to the game case and found 9 copies of FFXIII for Xbox. Once I walked back to the car with my precious prize in hand, everything felt more grounded. Final Fantasy XIII was no longer this ethereal relic. It was a videogame that I own. We only had one HD television at the time so I requested to use it weeks in advance. Not that it really mattered as I was still using a composite cable.

Gently I clawed my index and thumb around the middle and side of the disc, and the audible click of disc one escaping the case filled me with a cold sweat. My heart was beating faster and faster as I lay the game into the tray and closed the drive. The laser’s motor still echoes into my memories to this day, like the same cicadas that perished outside my bedroom four years prior. At this moment the game’s intro was playing, and this fantasy was quickly becoming more and more of a reality with each minute of the game’s opening cinematics.

Once the title music started playing, my dream had finally become realized. I hit start on the title menu, and proceeded to watch the game’s opening proper. Lightning and Sazh on the train, the intense fight scenes, and the baby chocobo. It was all there for me. That transition from cutscene to your first battle right as the boss theme starts playing? Few games can top that. In fact the only games that have are both Final Fantasy games: Final Fantasy VII Remake’s church battle and FFXVI’s first Limit Break.

I’m not going to lie to you.

I literally started crying.

Final Fantasy XIII’s gameplay made me bawl like a baby. I finished the first big area that night, and immediately started the second that morning before school. For two straight months I smoked that game like a pack of american spirits. That game consumed me. I would torture my friends with conversation topics such as

“Where I’m at in FFXIII”

“Why Lightning is cooler than Cloud”

and…

“why FFXIII is good, actually.”

The talk online about Final Fantasy XIII was dire. Fans were disappointed in the game’s linear structure, as if they completely forgot about FFX having the same format. My guess was that people wanted FFXIII to just be FFXII-2, but the reality is that nearly every modern FF has had haters. XIII was different though, and if you liked FFXIII in some communities then you had to prepare to defend yourself. Thankfully I stuck to my guns and refused to engage with the haters.

The fact of the matter was that Japanese games were in a weird spot in the late 00s and early 10s. Capcom decided Americans would like Dark Void more than Megaman, journalists were getting stuck in the fishing quest in Nier, and more and more people were saying that Japanese Games “just suck”.

Monster Hunter is huge in the west now, but ten years ago you had to make a prayer circle made of copies of Freedom Unite and Tri just to get 3 Ultimate localized. EX TROOPERs? Have this bag of baby carrots and go play Lost Planet 3 instead.

Summer 2010

At this point I was finished with the game. I hit credits on the last day of my junior year, and I’ve never been one to do optional content in games so I opted out of what little I had available to me.

So what did I think?

Final Fantasy XIII was good! Real good. By then I was finally over my fixation so I was able to talk about the game in a more realistic capacity.

The game owned.

Probably wasn’t my favorite- My heart still belonged to VII and IV at the time- but a great game throughout.

Summer came and went, Fall sauntered around, Texas Winter briefly kissed me on the forehead, and Spring 2011 meant Graduation. My slacker brand has always been strong. I used a hefty portion of my grad money to buy a 3DS and a copy of Street Fighter IV 3D Edition. My friends were not impressed. The rest of the year had me at my most goblinized. Jobless and depressed I would lock myself up in my room and play skyrim until dawn. January 2012 found me working at the same department store where I purchased FFXIII. A friend of mine also got a job there, so we did about as much slacking off as we felt necessary given the measly $7.85 an hour we were getting paid.

XIII-2

“Final Fantasy XIII-2 is coming out tonight right?”

“Yeah, but we won’t have any copies until tomorrow morning.”

I was crushed. The main reason I worked this shitty job in the first place was to get games earlier than anyone else. My plan was to purchase Final Fantasy XIII-2 on my break, clock out at 1AM, and head home to play long into the night. I was out of options. My friend and I decided on what I can safely say now is a more than terrible plan.

You see my friend and I got off work at the same time. I would go home and eventually fall asleep at 5 or 6. He would go home and immediately pass out, wake up at 7, and drive his beat up van 35 miles to attend classes at the college the next town over. Our plan was that I would sleep at his place, head to college with him, grab lunch, go to gamestop to get the game, and head home with more than enough time to spare for the both of us to get a quick nap in before clocking in for work at 4PM.

While he was more than able to force himself to sleep that night, I didn’t get a wink.

2AM flashed to 7AM like a bolt of lightning, and we were off. I tried to sleep in the back of the van, but he needed a copilot due to the immense fog surrounding the highway. We were going a brisk 50 miles per hour- not because of the fog, but because that’s as far as the van would go. halfway through the ride the passenger door slid open, and I had to hold it closed until we made it to campus. Once we finally arrived he fished a bungee cable from the back and affixed it to the door’s handle, sealing it shut. He had just two classes that morning, so I would need to keep myself occupied for only a few hours. Maybe I could nap on the couch in the student center? Roleplay as a burnt out science major?

Rest eluded me. I decided instead to play into my sleep deprivation-induced mania, and actually pretend to be a student. I walked the campus purchasing various energy drinks from the vending machines peppered amongst the halls. I bought a sandwich at the Subway in the science wing. It tasted like student loans and bad decisions. I eventually made my way back to the center and watched as four Magic The Gathering players played with $700 decks. For that morning I was a college student- something I never intended to be. I knew I wouldn’t amount to much if I just went through the motions and got a degree. Ten years later and I herald my decision as one of the better ones I made in my adult life. There was nothing for me there, except sandwiches and red bull.

Once it was finally time to leave the campus he and I both decided on lunch and then it was off to Gamestop. When I walked in a waft of hot air smacked me in the face. It was late January in Texas, but there was no need for the heater to be on that high in the building.

“Uh….yall got that new FFXIII-2?”, I asked in a soft, dulcet tone.

“Yeah, but only the special edition. Is that ok?”

For just $20 extra I could purchase the game, the full soundtrack, artbook, and a fancy case. Of course I said yes.

I walked out of that sauna of a Gamestop about as fast as I walked in. Once I made my way back to my friend’s deathtrap of a vehicle we made our way back home.

Here lies the problem. I’ve been awake for 28 hours at this point. I’m running on caffeine and a prayer. I have to unload tonight’s truck and stock until 1AM. What’s a guy to do? Should I call in or power through it?

I’m not going to leave you to guess. I went in, unloaded the truck, then unloaded my stomach all over the salesfloor.

They sent me home.

I slept for 14 hours.

EPILOGUE

I worked that horrible job for another 9 months, then found a new job working a register at a pretty famous fast food chain. It wasn’t until summer 2013 when I would think about FF again, because that’s when a good friend of mine from highschool came back into my life. She and I started hitting up ihop at midnight talking about old in jokes. We’d come back to my parent’s place to watch Doctor Who. I’d go to her place to watch Sword Art Online and Attack on Titan. She had spent her first paycheck at her new job on an xbox 360 and while she wasn’t a stranger to games she was never as into them as I was.

By January 2014 we were hanging out nearly every week. Talking about work, the latest episode of whatever anime we were watching, and just kind of…hanging out. It was nice. One day I put in Final Fantasy XIII and asked if she wanted to check it out. I figured she’d lose interest but to my surprise she loved it. What turned into a curiosity became full blown interest, almost echoing mine in 2009. She bought her own copy, played a bit each day, and that summer she hit the credits.

This was the first moment someone took the time to be genuinely interested in something I enjoyed. We had created a bond. My love for games finally imprinted on someone. Someone I cared about. As the years went on we went through some tough times. She moved about 30 miles away from me so weekly dinners turned into monthly lunches. By 2020 she moved back into town, and for the first few days of april she stayed at my apartment, where we would spend the nights visiting each other’s islands in Animal Crossing.

As we both got consumed in the rat race of our late 20s with work and home life, and family losses between the both of us, we still try to take time out of our schedules and meet up every once and while. She and some friends of her play Final Fantasy XIV and Phasmophobia, while I usually stick to single player experiences and then write exhausting thinkpieces online.

One thing remains.

When I see her, I still see the woman who made an effort to become a part of my life, and to embrace my fixations.

Thank You. Thank you for everything.

-PA

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