The Privately Attack Games Of A Year: 2024 Edition
It’s beginning to look a lot like games of the year lists. While everyone is enjoying the festivities and whatnot I’m knee-deep in the trench that is game enthusiasm. As an adult with no real physical human connections I have the luxury of spending the holiday alone. I see my family fairly often so we all kind of agree to not do major holidays. Even still I can always appreciate a chilly winter when climate change allows it. When it’s cold out you don’t have much of a choice but to stay indoors huddled up with a book or game, or in my case in front of a computer screen typing out a list of games that you played and enjoyed in 2024.
Let’s just get into it. It’s time for the Manifesto For Animals: 2024 Edition.
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Actually no not yet. Let’s talk about a game that I haven’t played.
HONORABLE MENTION: STELLAR BLADE
This title kind of became a symbol of the “anti-woke” movement. The main character has large breasts and a large butt and people don’t like that so the game must be championed on those merits and those merits alone. Take that, libs!
The reality of the Stellar Blade situation is that not a whole lot of folks were against the character’s design. In fact people actually love a fat butt these days. The main issue with me at least is that the main character doesn’t have much in terms of a personality at the surface. Now this can be flat out wrong, but I’ll personally never know because the same people championing this game barely talk about the game itself. They like the idea of Stellar Blade, but who actually knows if it’s good. You know who’s hot and has a great personality? Bayonetta.
You should probably just play Bayonetta.
There’s a whole subculture of people online who only recommend games based on whether or not they’re not “woke” or whether or not leftists criticize them or not. It’s your solemn duty to not be these people. Talking heads online get paid in ad revenue, sponsorships, and donations in exchange for any semblance of integrity that they still had, and you’re giving a shit about their opinions for free. Don’t be influenced by bad faith actors. Look to the people passionate about the medium. Look for the celebrators, not the podcast mics.
Now, on with the show.
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#10: MOUTHWASHING
Every year I let recency bias win a spot in my games of the year list. Having only played Mouthwashing a couple weeks ago it’s still ringing in my ears. At only around 150 minutes long you don’t have to think too much about what you’re doing when you’re playing the game. It’s all about what happens after you’re done.
I hate to be that person, but you’re going to have to play this game for yourself to truly know what’s good for you. I’ll let you in on a little moment though.
I streamed the first 15 minutes of Mouthwashing to some friends. We were yucking it up making jokes about the whole ordeal with the ship and the crew and everything. Once it came time to give Curly his painkillers the screen cut to black and you’re treated to the sounds of of a charred, limbless husk of a man being force-fed pills.
We thought it was hilarious.
The next day I decided to continue the game with only God at my side, and I made it through the second segment of the game’s plot. Yet again I found myself in the ship’s med bay, shoving painkillers down Curly’s throat. With no one to chuckle with I sat there on my couch, choking sounds and anguished moans filling my headphones. The cut to black revealing the person playing the game, controller in hand, staring blankly in the television’s reflection.
God was no longer in the room with me.
#9: FINAL FANTASY VII REBIRTH
Weird, fun, and confusing as hell.
I mean sure the story is certainly going places- places I don’t really care about- but the journey to said places is one of the most fun experiences I’ve had all year. It was pure entertainment nearly from end to end.
It almost felt like a beach episode in your favorite anime. There might be some looming threat out in the distance, but let’s chill out and relax a bit. Let’s play card games and race chocobos and play arcade games. Pay no mind to the cloaked man with the giant sword slowly descending down towards your favorite character. He’s gonna be there no matter what.
#8: UNICORN OVERLORD
The folks at Vanillaware never miss. It’s easily the safest game purchase you can ever make. If you like cool games from cool developers then you can literally close your eyes, pick from their catalog, and you’ll be in for a good time.
Unicorn Overlord is of course no exception. Earlier this year I talked at length about how great this game is, and 9 months later I stand by what I said. Go enjoy yourself!
#7: ASTRO BOT
I’m the unofficial game curator at work. I know my coworkers fairly well, and make recommendations based on their interests. I got a guy into Space Marine 2 this year, and he didn’t even play Warhammer.
I’m that good.
Last month a guy comes up to me asking for a game recommendation for his son’s birthday. He says he doesn’t want to buy a giftcard for robux like he does every year. Without hesitation I suggest Astro Bot. I said it might be a good bonding opportunity. Cut to last weekend I see him and ask what his kid thought of the game.
“He lost interest. I think it’s fun though.”
Oh well! You truly can’t win them all I guess. Astro Bot is for 30 year olds and 30 year olds only it seems.
#6: CROW COUNTRY
Every year I speedrun Resident Evil 2.
This year I finally got to the 90 minute mark! Crow Country feels less like a classic RE but instead feels like a speedrun of one, in the best way possible. Despite the game being new and fresh I felt like Crow Country was already deeply rooted in my brain. I wouldn’t attribute muscle memory to the game’s control scheme, it’s just that tank controls are an extension of my very being. I used to WALK like the characters in classic RE games. Crow Country is the first game to perfectly nail the experience of playing an old Resident Evil game. The puzzles, the enemies, the dialog, everything. It’s just too good to pass up.
#5: HELLDIVERS II
There’s no better feeling in the world than you and two of your buds squaddin’ up for a game of Helldivers. Sure you’re missing a teammate but he’s gotta stay late for work or some shit. One friend throws out too many mines and blows everyone to pieces, another accidentally sets you on fire with his flamethrower, and you manage to break your own leg because you misjudged that jump. It’s dumb fun. About an hour into shooting bugs and not understanding imperialistic satire you hear a rocket crash onto the map followed by the worst impression of John Mcclain you’ve ever heard.
Now you thought you’d be one man short tonight, but alas…
You were mislead.
Your bud got off work, and with the squad fully kitted out you proceed to crank the difficulty up a notch only to be absolutely molly-whopped by a giant robot communist??? Look I don’t write games (yet) I just write about them.
#4: METAPHOR: REFANTAZIO
Full disclaimer here: I have not finished this freaking game. It’s 80 hours. There’s only one big ass RPG this year that I’ve finished, and that’s coming up in a bit.
I’m 23 hours in. I’m well past the “oh it gets real good after ten hours” bit when it comes to RPG discussion. I can speak on it. I can “hold space” for Metaphor.
To be perfectly honest, I knew this game was going to be great the moment I started getting into battles. This game skips past the usual dozen hour Atlus RPG tutorial segment. Smacking monsters around followed by that intense preemptive strike music felt like something out of an anime music video from 2006. Seeing your character’s face splash on the screen when those horns hit…
Chills!
I have no shame. I sing to Atlus RPG battle themes. I can’t tell you how many times I belted out
“DISTURBING THE PEAAAAACE……LOOK INTO MY EEEEEYES”
whilst playing Persona 3 Reload this year. With Metaphor’s battle theme I had to learn how to chant in Esperanto! That’s sick! More games should have a Buddhist monk at the mic.
#3: TEKKEN 8
I love fighting games.
I am terrible at fighting games.
Both are true statements, and both can interact with each other and still make for a fun time. Enter: Single Player Modes.
Tekken 8 has a whole suite of options for the fighter who doesn’t want to get spun around by a luchador in a tiger mask. I spent a sold 20 hours playing through the individual character stories, the main story mode, and the combo trials for my mains. My favorite mode however has to be the Arcade Quest. It reminds me so much of the single player mode in Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution. You make your little MySims lookin guy and you start in a dingy yet homely arcade, playing with the CPU-controlled patrons. Soon you make your way around the city partaking in other arcades and their clientele, until you miraculously make it to the Tekken World Tour Finals only an hour into your arcade career. Arcade Quest teaches you basic fundamentals but it’s true charm lies in how it shines on the culture as a whole. There’s one character in the game that isn’t so focused on the game itself, but is more interested on making her character look cute.
That’s Tekken.
#2: LIKE A DRAGON: INFINITE WEALTH
I had the pleasure of Starting Infinite Wealth just one day after finishing it’s predecessor, Yakuza: Like A Dragon.
Ichiban Kasuga is one of the best written characters in the medium. I love this man so damn much.
This is the big ass RPG that I finished this year, and let me tell you it was fun for literally every second. Perfectly paced, engaging in every nook and cranny, and it still left me wanting more. Immediately after finishing the game I splurged and purchased every Yakuza game I could get my hands on. I declared 2024 the “Year Of The Dragon”- a new term I just made up myself.
I got half way through Yakuza 0 before FFVII Rebirth came out, and The Year Of The Dragon came to an end. Here’s to 2025 I guess.
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With 2024 nearly over, it’s finally time to talk about my number one with a bullet game of the year. For better and for worse I regret to inform you that my game of the year is in fact…
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Balatro.
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I’m starting to understand why it got the rating that it did….
You see I didn’t think anything of it when I started playing. It’s poker for freaks. You add seals, effects, and jokers to your game to increase your score. Your first round of Balatro requires you to hit 300 chips. By the end of your game you need to hit 100,000 chips. That’s just the beginning. You can keep playing, and hit numbers so high the game can actually crash from not being able to calculate the score.
I played for two hours a day for a week straight. I played on the couch, I played at my desk, I played at work on my steam deck, I played in bed.
That was my first mistake.
One night in a cold sweat I shot up from my slumber and the literal first thought that came to mind was optimal strategies for a flush-only run. I would play a few rounds every few days after that. I needed to learn how to turn my brain away from the cards. By the end of the year not only was I hooked again, I was playing poorly on purpose just to feel something.
Flushes only.
Skip the first two rounds.
Discard cards until I had 5 spades.
Play the hand.
Repeat.
Try your hardest to build your deck around spade flushes, making sure to scale your cards and jokers enough to make it to the end. I was playing boring and safe. Balatro was no longer a game to me. It was a Skinner box. It was a pen that you click repeatedly at work when you’re anxious. I was literally stimming with Balatro.
You know that feeling when you realize that you’ve spent an hour in bed looking at tiktok? That sinking, gasping for air that hits you when you come back to your senses? Maybe it’s the speed in which I play the game. Maybe it’s the trance of the game’s music luring me into a false sense of security. Maybe I’m just giving in to the cards. At the 15 hour mark I opted for my computer’s mouse to play instead of a controller. It was faster to click the cards than to select them with a directional button.
click.
click.
click.
Flushes only.
Skip the first two rounds.
Discard cards until I have 5 spades.
Play the hand.
Repeat.
Balatro helped me lose 40 pounds.
I finally figured out my metabolic rate, and started taking care of myself. 3/4 meals per day are protein shakes. I take a lot of vitamins. I drink plenty of water. I learned exactly how many calories I need so as to not pass out from lack of energy. I’m in a calorie deficit for 5 days out of the week, and that’s because I no longer keep frivolous snacks in the house, and instead of using my hands to shovel food in my mouth my hands are used for clicking.
click.
click.
click.
clicking away at the cards. Discarding, drawing, restarting, clicking.
click.
click.
click.
Flushes only.
Skip the first two rounds.
Discard cards until I have 5 spades.
Play the hand.
Repeat.
click.
click.
click.
I can literally feel the fat burn off of my as I click away at Balatro.
click.
click.
click.
I am chained to the rhythm of the click. I don’t even play Balatro to have fun anymore. I play it because it’s there. I play it because I’m afraid of being bored. I play it because I’m afraid of being alone. I play it because if my hand is on the mouse it’s not in a bag of Doritos.
click.
click.
click.
Flushes only.
Skip the first two rounds.
Discard cards until I have 5 spades.
Play the hand.
Repeat.
click.
click.
click.
I cannot think of a my future without Balatro. I can’t think of my life before Balatro. I only hear clicks. I only see spades. I can no longer think for myself. I can’t smell. I can’t see outside of the screen. There’s only clicks.
click.
click.
click.
-PA
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