Your Childhood Can’t Be Ruined
Last year when I turned 30 years old I was filled with the usual emotions associated with the number. I was worried that I spent my adult life up to then doing nothing important. My 20s were boring. I worked. I enjoyed my hobbies, and I spent time with the people I cared about the most. The latter half of the last ten years may have been spoiled by a worldwide virus outbreak and losing loved ones from said virus, but for the most part I would’ve likely spent ages 26–30 doing the same thing I did during ages 20–25.
Now nearly a year after the dreaded “Dirty Thirty” not much has changed. I would’ve been past a year sober if it wasn’t for a slight relapse in the middle of October, but one slip up isn’t worth crying over. I have been nicotine free for over a year now though. That’s something. I was huffing vapes in the same way a salary man smokes in a dimly lit arcade. I won’t bother with rest of the changes in my life. No one needs to know about my new underwear.
During your teenage years you finally start forming your own opinions and tastes, but you’re burdened with the social stigma of pubescence and highschool hierarchy. In your twenties you’re hit with the “What now?” stick and spend your time struggling to make a name for yourself. The ultimate identity crisis is turning 25 and starting to wonder if you’ve peaked already. Your thirties are where you can finally settle down.
Let me completely transparent with you. I have no interest in ever starting a family. I don’t think I’m even capable of feeling romantic love towards someone. That’s a whole other conversation in of itself, so let me just give you the play by play of my first year in my thirties. If this is boring to you feel free to skip around.
Once I’m finally ready to wake up I get out of bed and get ready for work. On my walk to my job I usually listen to podcasts. Living alone can be well…lonely. It’s nice hearing other people speak. I usually arrive to work 30 minutes before my shift. Here I eat breakfast, do my daily duolingo (it’s bullshit but my streak is nearly two years old) and read articles on my RSS feed. During lunch I usually read after eating or I shoot the shit with coworkers. My job requires me to be “on” so I spend nearly the whole day masking-mentally and/or physically depending on the season. When it’s time to leave I make my way home and feed the cat, then work on dinner. My evenings are spent online with friends, and until it’s time to sleep I’m playing or watching something. Days off are usually spent either in my apartment doing chores or outdoors going grocery shopping or spending time with friends in person.
I’ve never been happier in my life. I genuinely mean this.
Having said that however, I do find myself living in the past from time to time-usually in 5 year increments. Some days I go back to 2019 to hang out with my dad. I’ll take a trip to 2014 to when I didn’t have gray hairs. Sometimes I’ll even go as far back as 2007…to the launch of Halo 3.
QUICK DISCLAIMER: I WASN’T ALL THAT INTERESTED IN HALO 3.
I owned a Nintendo Wii.
AUGUST 2007-FRESHMAN YEAR
My first day of highschool made up for nearly all of my 14 years of existence. I was scared for the most part. I had virtually no friends. Lunch was going to be especially difficult, but I made my way outside to the patio and found a haven of counter culture. Dozens of them lined the benches. You had the emo and scene kids, the anime nerds, the band and choir geeks, and the gamers.
These were my people.
I found a bench inhabited by a bunch of nerds talking and eating and made my move. I asked if I could sit with them, and they welcomed me with open arms. We talked about our hobbies, and would meet back up every morning before class and every day during lunch. These were easily the best friends I ever had, and I’m glad to say that I still stay in touch with most of them to this day. After a while we’d move around to other tables to hang out with the other groups, and I’d start hearing word about how Halo 3 was going to change the world. Now I played Halo 2 for a fair bit in middle school, but I wasn’t invested like these kids were. After all I was still in my shithead otaku phase at this point in my life. I could still appreciate their interest though. I wasn’t that far gone just yet.
A month passes and the lead up to Halo 3’s release swells the patio with an air of passion that I don’t really see anymore. One student was telling us about how he spent over $200 on cases of Mountain Dew Game Fuel, and that he was gonna try to spend all week at home playing. On September 25 Halo 3 finally hit shelves, and on the 26th that same student came to school emblazoned with dark circles under his eyes. He stayed up all night playing, and his parents forced him to go to school.
We found him sleeping in a corner of the library that afternoon.
Halo 3 was everything to us, even me. I didn’t care about the game but I cared about my friends. I would play with them only to get fragged into oblivion, but after a while they were fine with me sitting back and playing Crisis Core on my PSP while they continued their sessions. I was finally a part of something. I had friends.
The only issue with having your entire friend group consist of people who are older than you is that every subsequent year you have to see them off, and make new friends to fill in the void. By my senior year I was the leader of the pack, and the patio was all but gone. Trends changed and by the time I was about to graduate I was essentially where I was at right before I asked to sit at that bench. I was alone, spending my lunch and free time in the choir hall playing on my PSP. Thankfully at this point in my life school is just one object in my day to day, with home life essentially replaced by hanging out at the punk house I mentioned a few months back. The lease owners were former patio dwellers, still playing Halo after all those years, except now in between classes at the community college and shifts at their respective jobs.
After a while though even the punk house became a distant memory, and over a decade later I’m sitting here wondering what happened. Where did the time go? Did I…peak in highschool?
The short answer is no, but before we explore that let me talk about an incident that occurred in June of this year.
THE MILK CRATES
2005
Before we all got our gaming news online, there were magazines. Just to name a few you had Tips and Tricks, Gamepro, Electronic Gaming Monthly, PlayStation Magazine, Nintendo Power, and yes…Game Informer. I collected them all, either by subscription or through purchasing them at my local grocer. I never liked throwing these things away so I started putting them in milk crates and storing them in my closet.
2024
In my long standing struggle to “RETVRN” to the past I went to my mom’s place to spend time with her and take those crates back home with me. When it came time to reconnect with my childhood I was met with what can only be described as abject horror.
Mold.
The closet seemed unscathed, but the Texas humidity seemed to seep into the pages of my precious collection. I took them outside to assess the situation. After a quick deliberation I made the call. None were salvageable. Three trips to the dumpster later and I pulled a Suda 51.
I killed the past.
They say you never can go home again, and this rings especially true because if you do go home you find your childhood moldier than J.K. Rowling’s walls. When I made my way home I sat down and thought about what this all means. Nearly two decades of my life were gone. I still have the memories, but once that’s gone what’s left?
Last week as of writing Game Informer shut their doors. After no notice to it’s staff GameStop pulled the plug on the 33 year old publication. Print has been all but dead for the last decade but while the writing has been on the wall for a while it hurts to see yet another pillar of my upbringing go up in smoke. I’ve had more than enough time to think about what I’ve lost over the months, and even more time to think about who I’ve lost over the years.
My childhood isn’t dead. It’s simply gone.
And that’s ok! We were meant to leave these things behind. Our lives have to make room for new moments. My past is sealed in a tight box in my heart, where no mold can penetrate its walls. I can visit from time to time, but I need to return to the present in order to prepare for the future.
Did I peak in highschool?
No. Every day is a new peak, so long as you keep moving forward. We still have a lot of life to live, but maybe at the end of it all we can meet back up at the patio. I’ll save you all a spot.
-PA
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